Michael Gerber
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The Beatles 1967

“We make it up in volume.”

Finally! A band that can live on 0.006 per song!

As you might have heard, the Beatles’ catalog became available for streaming on December 24th, and users took to it with a will, streaming 70 million Beatles songs in the first three days. Commenter @Hologram Sam posted the following lists of the ten most — and least — popular Beatles tracks on Spotify. They puzzled and enchanted me, and so I decided to write the single most internetty piece in the history of Hey Dullblog. And in the spirit of the internet, my goal was to do it with no editing.


10. “Help!” — Emo Beatles. Beloved of sensitive types everywhere, this is basically applicable to everyone’s life from about 12 to 21.
9. “She Loves You” — …but she apparently loves this song more. A lot more.
8. “In My Life” — Can I say something cynical here? I bet this song just wasn’t very popular before John Lennon died and made it all tragi-riffic. I don’t look to the Beatles for pathos, but if you do, there’s a whole album called “Double Fantasy” that you will love. Or “Grow Old Along With Me,” if you’re married that’ll fuck you up for days.
7. “I Want To Hold Your Hand” — Fucking great.
6. “Blackbird” — Amazing.
5. “Twist And Shout” — Recorded in one take, and for my money the best pure rock vocal ever, which makes up for the fact that for at least a generation it was known as “that song from ‘Ferris Bueller.'”
4. “Let It Be” — See #8. When Paul dies, this will shoot to #1 so hard that Spotify will MELT.
3. “Here Comes The Sun” — Everybody’s favorite George song. And, like all Beatles #1’s, a punny newspaper headline waiting to happen.
2. “Hey Jude” — WHAT? Not #1? What in classic rock is going on here? Don’t Spotify listeners realize that all lists of Beatles songs must top out with “Hey Jude,” except for the ones that end with “Yesterday”? And the ones Rolling Stone does, which must award the crown to either “A Day in the Life,” or “Strawberry Fields”? This next one better be good…
1. “Come Together” — Okay, what? Great song, especially thanks to the rhythm section, but…does it sound fucking awesome when you’re high and wearing earbuds? Commenters, speak to me.

10. “Honey Don’t” — Oh what the hell? Can’t we give Ringo a break? It’s Christmas.
9. “Thank You Girl” — An early B-side, so OK. Shows people don’t really appreciate the deep tracks, but whatever.
8. “I’ll Get You” — See #9.
7. “Long Tall Sally” — This is preposterous. Paul was bringing the house down for ten years with this one. Web users have no souls. Go stream “Blurred Lines,” assholes.
6. “I Call Your Name” — OK, now I’m really getting pissed. This is probably in my top five favorite Beatles songs. I think @Sam is actually trying to troll me.
5. “The Inner Light” — This makes perfect sense, until you realize that 17.5% of the total world population lives in India. That’s not enough to keep “The Inner Light” out of the cellar? Indian Beatle fans, you are just not pulling your weight. George believed in you, now you believe in him!
4. “Slow Down” — See #7. People just have shitty taste in music, is all.
3. “Bad Boy” — Pro Tip: if you want to do well on Spotify, don’t cover Larry Williams. In fact, if you stream an actual Larry Williams song, Spotify will self-destruct.
2. “Matchbox” — Ditto Carl Perkins.
1. “Her Majesty” — Oh, unfair. Where’s “Sgt Pepper’s Inner Groove”?

All I can say is: finally, a little respect for “Mr. Moonlight.”